A Deeper Look

Domestic abuse occurs between intimate partners such as spouses, ex-spouses, in dating relationships and between adult family members like adult children and their elderly parents.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of aggressive and intimidating behaviors that abusers use to control their intimate partners through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual and/or economic and is based on power and control. The abuser believes he is entitled to control their partner; control how she thinks, feels and behaves.

This type of abuse may occur in the life of any individual, whether or not she/he is economically privileged, well educated, lesbian or gay, disabled, the partner of a trusted member of the community or otherwise assumed to be safe from domestic abuse. While all intimate relations are characterized by some degree of power and control, in an abusive relationship, one party fears the other and attempts to comply with the party’s wishes to avoid the consequences of confrontation.

Examples of Abuse

Physical abuse includes a wide range of behaviors from restraint through slapping and hitting, strangulation, forcing drug consumption or withholding medication, to aggravated assault and homicide;

Sexual abuse is defined as anything from forced sexual activity or forced use, to threats of infidelity, coerced sex acts, forcible intercourse, denial of contraception, coerced abortion to sexual mutilation;

Emotional abuse includes threats, name calling, intimidation, degrading or contemptuous behavior, withholding communication, yelling and isolating you from friends, family, society;

Economic abuse occurs through direct or indirect manipulation or domination of family finances, the abdication of financial responsibility, or disposition of the personal property of family members without consent;

Destruction of property includes vandalism of the home, car or other personal assets;

Threats or acts of abuse against children, significant others or family pets which encompass any of the above.

Signs of Abuse

Millions of women are abused by husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners each year. Chances are, someone you know – your neighbor, coworker, friend, sister or mother – is a victim of domestic abuse.

Here are some signs that a woman may be in trouble:

• She often has bruises or injuries or she has frequent "accidents" for which she gives vague explanations. These "accidents" cause her to miss work, appointments, etc.
• Her partner controls her activities, the family’s finances, the way she dresses, or her contact with friends and family.
• She frequently cancels plans at the last minute or seems afraid of making her partner angry.
• Her partner ridicules her publicly or you sense volatility in his comments.
• You notice changes in her or her children’s behavior, especially when he is present. She appears frightened or exhausted.
• Perhaps you feel her problem will "work itself out." Not so. Domestic abuse doesn’t usually end unless action is taken to stop it. But it can be hard to know what to do.
• Children and teenagers are a large component of the females being abused. To learn more about how their situations are different, visit the Family Violence Prevention Fund
• If you are unsure if your own relationship is abusive, please call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Barriers to Leaving

For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end.

If she has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship. The abuse might have kept her from working and therefore her means of providing for her family are limited. More than 50% of homeless women are homeless due to domestic violence. When a woman leaves her abuser, she experiences around a 50% decrease in finances.

She may not know about available resources. She might not believe that what’s happening to her is domestic violence and a crime. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past.

Religious, cultural and family pressures may make her believe it’s her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs. Her responsibility to her children often cripples her ability to seek safety and leave her abuser. She worries that she won’t be able to provide for them, will lose custody, or will deprive them of their father.

Fear may motivate all her decisions. When she has tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her. Or the abuse frequently includes threats to harm or even kill her, her children, himself or her family if she tries to leave.

Chances are her abuser was not and is not always abusive. Signs of remorse, promises to change and periods of non-violence remind her of the partner with whom she fell in love. She hopes for a better future together and such feelings are often strengthened during this period.