Be Part of the Journey to Safety

Let her know that you believe that abuse is happening in their life and that is it not her fault. Listen to her story carefully and empathetically, in a safe place. Remember that the danger and fear is real. Never blame her for what’s happening. Let her know that no one deserves to be abused, beaten or threatened.

Offer support, information and resources such as the local domestic violence program information but allow her to make decisions about what to do next. Allowing her to take ownership of making decisions put control of her life back in her hands and not in the hand of her abuser. Always try to offer an opportunity to seek your support again. Even if she leaves him and then goes back, don’t withdraw your support. Many battered women leave and return several times before leaving him for good.

Focus on her strengths. The emotional abuse of domestic violence can leave devastating scars. The abuser probably continually tells her that she is a bad woman, bad wife or bad mother. She may believe she can’t do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her. Give her emotional support and help her believe she is a good person. Tell her what you like about her. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence and abuse.

Help her make a safety plan. Your friend may decide to remain in the violent relationship or return to the abuser after a temporary separation. Do not pressure her to leave, but let her know that you are afraid for her and her children and help her consider how dangerous the violence may be. Help her think about steps she can take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people to call in an emergency. Help her read through and follow the information in the Safety Plan document on the Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence website. Acknowledge that she may be in the most danger while she’s trying to leave.

Call the NCADV Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233(SAFE) for more information on how to help.

The Effect of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is rarely a one-time event; it usually gets worse and happens more often. The damage to women is real. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States. According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice, men batter close to one million women a year. Untold numbers of women suffer permanent injuries – brain damage, blindness, deafness, speech loss through damage to the larynx, disfigurement and mutilation, damage to or loss of internal organs, paralysis, sterility, and so on.

Women who are victims of domestic violence are more likely to attempt suicide, suffer from depression, anxiety, general chronic pain, headaches, gastrointestinal disorders, gynocologiacal disorders, arthritis, and stomach ulcers. Many pregnant women miscarry as a result of beatings; and many birth defects are caused by assault on the mother during pregnancy. Many women have been infected with HIV by batterers who force them into unprotected sex.

Prevention

Maintaining an intimate relationship takes time, energy and commitment. Both partners need to strive to recognize their role in this work. Here are some suggestions for achieving health in your relationship:

• Communication: Set aside at least 1+ hours per day to talk about your feelings, plans, goals, and what is going on in your day and life. If this seems unrealistic, build it slowly into your relationship.
• Dating: Plan to do something fun with your partner at least once a week; take turns planning the events.
• Outside Activities and Hobbies: Both partners need to have separate activities and hobbies to foster their own growth and self-esteem.
• Alcohol and Other Drugs: Don’t try to discuss or plan anything important to the relationship while one or the other is under the influence or tired; chemicals such as alcohol alter one’s mind and affect one’s ability to have honest communications.
• Fight Fair: All couples will have arguments at some point. When arguing, focus on one topic, don’t bring in unresolved issues from the past, be willing to "take a time out" if either is out of control, resolve the issue in a mutually acceptable way.
• Separate and Mutual Support Systems: Each partner should have their own friends, in addition to mutual friends, with whom to interact. These separate friends may be the ones with whom you plan your outside activities.
• Best Friends: Respect and treat your partner as well as you do your friends; respect their needs and feelings.
• Have Fun Together: This is often the most overlooked ingredient in a healthy relationship.

In Wisconsin

There were 28,293 incidents of domestic abuse and 5,618 sexual assaults reported to the Department of Justice in 2004.

In 2004, 31 domestic homicides with adult victims were reported; an additional 14 children were killed as a result of a domestic situation.

While domestic violence affects all age groups, more than 72% of both domestic abuse victims and offenders are between 18 and 39 years of age. The largest number of female victims was in the 18-24 year age group in 2004.

Each year, domestic abuse programs provide more than 130,000 nights of stay for women and children fleeing violent situations.

Annually, statewide domestic abuse programs handle over 150,000 crisis calls.

In the United States

Estimates range from one to four million women experiencing violence or an assault by an intimate each year.

Approximately 90-95% of domestic violence victims are women.

A woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped or killed by a male partner than by any other type of assailant.

Among victims of violence committed by an intimate, the victimization rate of women separated from their husbands was about 3 times higher than that of divorced women and about 25 times higher than that of married women.

There is approximately one community based program for every 2,170 battered women and one shelter bed for every 160 battered women.

How to Help

Give her lots of time to talk. Ask direct questions, but be gentle and not quick to offer solutions.

Be a good listener without judging. Abused women often hear and believe negative messages from their abusers. They fear judgments.

Firmly insist that she is not responsible for the violence. Only the abuser can stop it.

Be clear that nothing excuses the violence – not alcohol, drugs, financial pressures, depression, or jealousy. Violence is never acceptable.

If she has children, confirm her concern that the violence is damaging to them too. If you can, let her children know you’re there for them as well.

Supply information and phone numbers for local resources – the domestic violence hotline (1-800-799-7233), support groups, counseling, shelter programs, and legal advocacy services. Click here for Wisconsin resources listed by county.